“We walk in circles, so limited by our own anxieties that we can no longer distinguish between true and false, between the gangster’s whim and the purest ideal.” Ingrid Bergman

Several years ago I sat in a little office inside a locked Psychiatric hospital trying to help a middle-aged woman make sense of all of the problems in her life. She was suffering from severe depression and was having frequent panic attacks. Her life had become unmanageable, and the sheer weight of the issues in her life were crushing her spirit.

I listened to her tell her story, and express her feelings of hopelessness. It’s not important here to get into the details of the tale, but needless to say, she was bombarded with some of life’s most stressful events. Tears streamed down her face, and as she described each of her struggles, she began hyperventilating. The sobs became deep and throbbing, and she started pounding the table. “I can’t handle this! I just want it to stop,” she said.

At the time I was new to this kind of treatment. I felt overwhelmed as well. The weight in the air was crushing. I recognized this internal process in myself, and out of self-preservation started taking deep breaths. I asked her, “I want you to breathe with me. All around you are problems that you can’t fix right now, and I can imagine that makes you feel out of control. So, I want you to focus on something that you can control. Your breathing. You’ve been inhaling and exhaling since the doctor swatted you on that first day, and you are an expert. I want you to focus on this next breath. Ready? Inhale . . . 2, 3, 4. Exhale . . . 2, 3, 4.”
This breathing exercise continued for several minutes, as I attempted to bring her back to baseline. When she was able to control her breathing, and the panic was replaced with exhaustion I said, “Have you ever had the flu?”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “When I get the flu, my life shrinks down to the size of my couch, and maybe a short path to the bathroom. I can’t handle going to the Post Office, or to work. I am not able to do the tasks on my ‘to do’ list. Even if I wanted to do these things, it would be wasted energy. Cause I’ve got the flu.”

Her: “I hate getting the flu.”

Me: “Me too. It’s not comfortable to have the flu. You feel weak, and nauseous. Your body doesn’t do what you want it to, and you just want to feel normal again.”

Her: “Yes.”

Me: “You’ve got the flu in a sense. All of these problems and issues are floating out there, and you can’t take care of all of them at once. Where do you start? How do you tackle these things when you feel so overwhelmed? That’s why, we’re going to shrink your life down. Wipe away all of the worry and problems from your mind for a time, because when you have the flu, you can’t affect them anyway.”

Her: “How do I do that? I think about these things all the time, and they’re just waiting for me.”

Me: “It is challenging, but you just did it with your breathing. You shrunk your world down to a single breath, and it helped you for a time. After a while you’ll have enough strength to expand your world a little to include eating lunch, and then going to group, and so on. As you get more comfortable, you will be able to expand enough to actually impact your life and those around you, but for now, it’s wasted energy to focus on that.”

Her: “Ok I’ll try.”

My middle-aged patient was skeptical at first, but we worked on keeping her life small. We rehearsed how to start dealing with the problems in her life. She developed a plan to make some changes in how she thinks about herself, and her role in the chaos. After a while, her life began expanding away from the couch and back out into the fresh air.

Paring down your life is critical in the midst of crisis. Focused attention on the moment, gives your life a little space to operate. It allows for a less cluttered mind, and an ability to eventually start moving in a positive direction. The alternative is to continue walking in circles.

Next time, I’ll talk about moving again…

If you need to talk with someone about either shrinking or expanding your life, North American Mental Health Services has qualified therapists available to help you.

Blessings, and thank you for reading.

Articles in this Series:

• Surviving A Crisis
• Slow Down
• Pare Down

Impulsivity is the enemy when dealing with someone in crisis. When one is living through a difficult situation, the mind is not functioning at full capacity. Resources are low, and the ability to cope with even minor frustrations becomes impossible. Therefore it is important to encourage those in crisis to wait before making any significant life decisions.

After graduating from Seattle Pacific University in 2000, I moved back to the bay area with my older brother Marcus. We had always been friends, and it seemed like a good idea to be with family as I plotted my next move. Shortly after moving in with him, he asked me if I would go with him to look at some cars. The lease on his Jetta was almost up, and he needed a new car.

We drove down to the local dealer in the evening, and looked at a few Honda sedans. Marcus covered a lot of ground that night walking down the rows of cars. There was one in particular that he liked. The salesman asked Marcus if he wanted to talk about how easily this car could be his, and Marcus said, “Sure, let’s talk.” The middle-aged gentleman ushered us into the inner-sanctum of the dealership with a smile. All the while telling us about his teenage daughter, and his love for fly-fishing. We sat down in over stuffed leather chairs awaiting the ‘Closer’ to come in. He finally showed up, and started talking about how much the monthly payments would be, interest rates, etc. “You look like a man who works hard for his money! I bet you’ve had to make sacrifices to get to where you are! You deserve this car,” he said.

Marcus told the man, “I think I deserve it too, but I’ve only seen the car at night. Before I buy the car I need to see it in the daylight. I’ll come back tomorrow and look at it again, and then I’ll buy it if I still feel the same way.” Now, we’ve all been in this situation. The car looks good, but we just want to think about it for a minute.

This of course was not what the salesman wanted to hear. He knew that most sales are completed when a person makes an impulsive choice. He did not want my brother to think about it. Just sign on the line! The special deal they were offering was only good for one night. “If you wait until tomorrow, I can’t offer you the same price.” After what seemed like hours, Marcus walked away without purchasing the car. He refused to become emotionally invested in the moment, and instead passed on the deal.

Living through a crisis is like walking around in the dark trying to see clearly. Life looks different in the ‘dark night of the soul.’ Wait. The light of another day may provide a new perspective. The warmth of a new day’s Sun may lessen the coldness in your heart. Don’t make an impulsive decision that may have lasting implications. Time is a double-edged sword. The good times don’t last forever, but neither do the bad. We are passing through this moment. I do an exercise with my patients that involves squeezing a tennis ball. I tell them, “Squeeze this ball as hard as you can for as long as you can.” No matter how strong a person is, there is a moment when their hand relaxes. You cannot maintain the intensity needed to squeeze the ball forever. The same is true of intense emotion.

I used to see patients every day who were brought to the Emergency Room ready to end their life. I would admit them to the hospital for a period of time to take a deep breath. After a few days, the vast majority of them left the hospital with a new hope. The intensity of the pain had dissipated, even if the trouble had not.

Thank you for reading.

Articles in this Series:

• Surviving A Crisis
• Slow Down
• Pare Down

For the past 15 years or so I have worked in the area of crisis mental health. I spent my days talking to, and working with people who had lost their sense of hope for tomorrow. In many cases these wandering souls tried to eliminate tomorrow from the equation all together. In the Emergency Room I talked with people who were having the worst day of their lives. They became so overwhelmed by life’s trouble that they felt there was no way out. Hopelessness is a dangerous and lonely house to inhabit. It limits my life and illuminates the pain in my life to a blinding intensity. There is nothing beyond the pain at this time, and one would do almost anything to make it stop.

My job in crisis care has been to help people to Slow Down and Pare Down. My goal is to help them rediscover hope for another day.

In this series of posts I will share with you some thoughts on how to make it through a crisis moment. I welcome your thoughts on this subject, and know that there are caring professional therapists at North American Mental Health Services ready to help.

Articles in this Series:

• Surviving A Crisis
• Slow Down
• Pare Down